You may be wondering why a couple would suddenly start trying for a baby when the woman was in her early forties, more so if you knew that we had been in a relationship since she was twenty-three years old.
We started dating on 21 September 2002, then we got engaged on 23 September 2006, just a month before moving in together the following month. We were engaged for 5 years before finally getting married on 6 August 2011. As you can see, we’ve never really been in a rush to do anything, it’s always been nice and slow, giving us time to save up money and to allow me to finish my studies before we were married.
But why wait another ten years between getting married and trying for a child? The truth is, I felt very strongly about not wanting to have children for most of my adult life and we had discussed this early on in our relationship. She understood that if she committed to me she would be committing to a childless marriage.
That wasn’t a deal breaker for my wife. As a primary school teacher, she worked with kids day in, day out and as an aunty to our beautiful nieces and nephews, she got the fun bits, treating the kids without the responsibilities and at the end of the day we could return them to their parents.
I’m a caring person but I’m not the most naturally paternal, a baby seemed like a lot of responsibility and it frightened me. I wanted to have adventures with my wife and do things that are not really that easy with kids, like spontaneity, long distance driving holidays and we’ve had some great adventures together as a result, trips to New York and Los Angeles, touring 17 European countries in just over a week, we’ve had a great life together with lots of special memories.
When you have a child, suddenly your own needs are not that important anymore. All the things that made your relationship good in the first place are suddenly replaced with sleep deprivation, dirty nappies and lots of tears and tantrums, and that’s just from me. I didn’t want to feel pushed out. I don’t want to go from being the most important person in my wife’s life to being just a carer. Nothing about that was appealing to me.
I was scared of being a bad dad and not being very good at it. I’ve had a difficult time with mental health issues and weight issues since childhood and I worry about what traits a child would inherit from me and grow to hate me for. Am I the right person to be doing such an important role? It’s not a decision you can reverse if you suddenly realise you suck at fatherhood, once you’re a dad, you’re a dad for life and you know that this means always playing second fiddle to the mother in your child’s eyes.
You will rarely be appreciated as the child gets older and if your relationship falls apart, which is more likely with the extra strain and worries, then you’re likely to have your heart broken into pieces, having to settle for the odd weekend with your kids at best and I don’t think I could handle that.
Rant Over 