They say that everything happens for a reason.
What if they’re right? What if the reason this happened is because I’m not good enough to be a father. I’m too fat to help my wife pick things up off the floor. I’d be too fat to fit into a surgical gown should my wife have needed an emergency c-section.
My mental health is too volatile, who am I convincing that I could cope with the responsibility of a little person completely dependent on me to be the father he or she deserves.
My first instinct when we got the news was to try again bur what if nature is trying to tell us something? Maybe a child is just someone else’s dream and not meant for a useless waste of blubber like me?
I’m so conflicted. I know it’s what my wife wants now. “Trying” helped pull me out of the constant suicidal thoughts and gave me some sort of purpose but even just before we got pregnant I was thinking we should stop, that it would not be fair because of our ages, our finances and the risk of conditions like Downs Syndrome, which terrifies me.
How can I take that chance of motherhood away from my wife now after what she’s going through? How do I tell her I don’t think I’m strong enough for this again?
I’m trying to be the partner she deserves, I’m trying to support her and make her feel safe but I’m weak myself. I can’t show weakness.
It’s been two weeks since we had the scan and still this thing is inside her. She wants to name it. I want it over. I know that sounds horrible and selfish but the truth is the truth. It’s just another reminder that I’m a failure, a complete disaster of a human beached whale and even my own sperm would rather abort itself than risk becoming like me!
Rant Over 