It was the 26th May 1999, the Newly re-crowned Champions of English football, Manchester United were competing in their first European Cup Final since 1968, when the famous Busby babes won the big eared trophy 10 years on from the Munich Air crash disaster. The script was already written, the treble, ready and waiting.
However, on the night, a match without the midfield heartbeat of Keane and Scholes, United looked mediocre. Bayern Munich, chasing a treble of their own, led from as early as the 6th minute and by half time they could have been two or three up.
Sir Alex Ferguson threw caution to the wind, super subs Teddy Sherringham and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer were thrown onto the pitch in the vain hope that United could equalise but the time was ebbing away agonisingly.
Right at the death of the game, with the Bayern Munich fans already beginning to celebrate, United got a corner. “Can Manchester United score, they always score” pleaded commentator Clive Tyldesley. “The big goalie’s coming up” observer former United manager and co-commentator Ron Atkinson.
Just as defeat looked inevitable, the ball was scuffled into the back of the Bayern net by Teddy Sherringham from six yards out before another corner and a goal from three yards out from Solskjaer etched the name Manchester United onto that famous trophy for only the second time.
Victory was stolen just as it looked like the jaws of defeat were about to crush all those hopes and dreams, a whole season’s work, more than that, this team was seven years in the making for the famous Manchester United class of 92 that won the FA Youth cup final.
This year, 2022 is my European Cup final, although where Manchester United were chasing glory, my goal is just survival. The past two years have not been good, the pandemic has played its role but now as I am just days away from entering my 40th year, I’m feeling every single tick of the tock, like a bomb counting down to detonation.
The feeling of inadequacy, of failure and pending disaster have gotten stronger and stronger the older I’ve got. Time is no longer on my side, I’m no longer a young man with potential and the chance to still make something of myself, I’m middle aged and painfully aware of my failings.
Logically I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I have so much to be grateful for. I have a decent job, a family that love me, my own home, a car, a small few friends that value me but I just cannot convince my own mind that I have any value of my own because all I see is a repugnant body unworthy of love.
Despite the despair, the final whistle hasn’t gone yet, there is still hope and I’m at my best when I’m the underdog. The legs may be tired, the mind jaded but I still believe I can take one last run up field and change my fate.
It’s the definition of stupidity to try the same things over and expect a different outcome but I have achieved great success with very low calorie diets even though I’ve never been able to sustain that success.
When you have as much weight to lose as I do it’s incredibly easy to get demotivated by the sheer scale of it. Losing weight quickly is not the recipe for sustainability but it will massively help with my confidence and self esteem and right now that’s the most important thing.
I am running against the clock. I’ve bought myself 6 months safety by booking my wife and sister in law a short break together in June. It won’t stop the suicidal feelings but I have to still be alive to look after my nephew and nieces whilst they are away. The distraction of having something to look forward to will get me through and by then if I’ve lost a chunk of weight it may have an impact on my flagging mental state.
If I do nothing, I know that the closer and closer I get to my 40th birthday, the impulse not to make it will be too powerful to resist. It’s all or nothing, boom or bust, life or death. I’m going to use every ounce of mental and physical energy I have left to push for the former, not for me, I really don’t care very much for me at all, but I need to do this for my wife, my sister in law, my nephew and my nieces.
Those are the people that matter the most to me in my life. I know that if I took my life it would have devastating consequences for them psychologically. I don’t want to hurt the people I care about most. I don’t know if this is a battle I can win but I’m going to give it my best shot, I’m bringing all my attackers onto the pitch and if we’re going to go down, we’re going to go down fighting! I just need to get myself that one last set-piece and the rest is in the hands of fate.
Rant Over 