Last week I wrote a poem about existential angst, you can view it here. The start of my 40th year has triggered a lot of emotions that are very difficult to process.
It has really creeped up on me but I feel like I’m no longer in the prime of my life, the best parts are all behind me. I know there will be a lot of people thinking but you’re not even 40 yet and life gets better with age but even as a young child I felt older than my age and I know I’m likely to die young anyway with my physical health and predisposition for suicidal ideation.
I don’t want to get old. The thought of one day needing someone to care for me physically is just not something I’m prepared to accept. I’d rather die young than watch my brain function and mobility gradually decay. I saw that with my grandparents and it’s tough to witness when people you love go through that.
When your own parents get to that age it’s also a reminder that you’ll be next. I don’t have children of my own but nieces and nephews and as they’re getting to that age where they’re becoming more and more independent and all those special milestones are just around the corner you’re excited for them and wonder what the future will hold.
Things like learning to drive, first jobs, falling in love, first holidays without their parents, forming those social circles and discovering whom they want to be, starting a family. It’s such an exciting, golden time period. Yes, you make many mistakes and it can also be quite a scary time but you also make so many memories too and it’s the nostalgia of all those special memories and experiences that fuel a sense of loss within me.
Logically I know that I have plenty of memories still to make and that holding onto the past is only going to stop me making the most of the present, which will just lead to future regrets.
I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, I should be happy with the life that I’ve led because I’ve been able to do so many things that other people haven’t. The holidays and driving trips wouldn’t have been possible if I went down a different route and had kids in my 20s but I’m yet to meet a mother that would swap her kids for anything in the world and when men come to retirement age they seldom wish that they had worked harder and earnt more money, they wish they had spent more time with their families.
Life is all about choices and it’s not easy to just be satisfied with the one’s you’ve made. The happiest people are the ones that learn to be content with what they have rather than worrying about what they missed out on. I try to tell that to myself, I have an awful lot to be grateful for.
How many people are on their own and lonely, desperate to be loved and here I am with an amazing wife that has loved me for who I am through good times and bad for almost 20 years. I’m sure if I could speak to my 18 year old self and tell him what I would have accomplished in the next 20 years, he’d be quite happy with that.
I need to convince myself that this is the start of a new golden age and not just the end of my youth but my sentimental mind yearns for those years when the possibilities were endless and my anxiety about the future takes over.
I can imagine that these feelings are quite similar to what a woman goes through after menopause and for a mother when the kids leave the nest, no longer being the central character in her children’s lives as she once was when they depended on her completely.
Men don’t have the same finite cut off point between child bearing youth and the rest of their lives, that kind of change must be very difficult for a woman both with the physical symptoms and the psychological impact.
Life isn’t fair, aging is not fun and biology can be cruel. I would love to hear from other people going through similar fears because there is comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in your feeling
Rant Over 