A self fulfilling prophecy is where you believe something is true to the extent that you actually make it reality, whether it was true initially or not.
They can be positive or negative, for example, entrepreneurs often have this unmovable faith in their own ability that defies the constraint of the qualities of their ideas and their sheer determination to keep trying eventually leads to success. “Fake it til you make it”, so to speak.
Negative self fulfilling prophecies can be very destructive, here are a few examples I observe on a regular basis.
Dating
Some people believe that they are unattractive to other people and it can lead to behaviours that make them less likely to succeed in the dating world. Confidence is attractive, there are some very attractively atypical looking people in this world that are very successful in the dating world because they know how to make people laugh and feel at ease. Others approach prospective dates as if they’re entering into battle, arming their shields ready and expecting to be hurt despite being blessed with considerable desirable features.
Maintaining Relationships
Even after the initial stage of forming a relationship, sometimes people can sabotage their relationships because they fear rejection so much that they become clingy or constantly seeking validation to the extent that it’s exhausting to be with that person.
They doom their relationships with constant accusations that show the other person that they don’t trust them. There are constant tests, checking phones and controlling behaviour.
Job Interviews
As part of my roles over the years, I’ve interviewed a number of people. Some enter the room with their head held low, already convinced that they’re not going to get the role. There anxiety becomes so strong that they can’t express the skills they actually have, leading to the result they expected in the first place.
Fear of getting sacked
This is one that I am struggling with myself at the minute. I suffer from imposter syndrome and convince myself that I am inadequate at my job and that it’s only a matter of time before I’m found out and get sacked.
The fear can be so paralysing that it stops me from actually doing my job, which in turn is much more likely to lead to me losing my job than if I was my old confident, bubbly self.
Where do these prophecies come from?
Often these fears we have are grounded in past experiences. If you’ve had a string of disastrous dates, or struggle to get any dates at all, if you’ve been cheated on or even cheated on a partner yourself in the past, you’re more likely to have trust issues.
If you’ve applied for job after job and keep getting knocked back it will eventually knock your confidence.
It could also be partially down to your personality. Some people are naturally very optimistic, others aren’t. I admire optimistic people, I wish I could be one but it’s one thing to identify a negative pattern of behaviour that is causing you problems, it’s an entirely different challenge to actually change it.
Sometimes these habits can be like security blankets. Even though they’re harmful to your future wellbeing, holding onto them can protect you from further emotional pain. If you don’t think you’ll get that job, you will be less disappointed when you don’t. If you think your date is going to be a disaster, then you’ve lost nothing when it is, more than that, it has re-enforced your world view. If the way you view the world is wrong, it puts emphasis on you to change your outlook rather than on being a helpless victim with no agency to change things.
How do you unlearn a deeply embedded habit?
I really wish I had the answer to that. It’s something I’m struggling with myself on multiple fronts. Just having the self awareness of the situation doesn’t seem to be helping me to change it and the longer it goes on, the more exhausted I get with myself.
I know the answer is to take small baby steps. You can’t expect Rome to be built in a day but it does feel like I take more steps backwards than forwards, and also that I’m running out of time to turn things around too.
Rant Over 