When I allow my mind time to think, it tries to destroy me. It’s like living in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol, where I become the ghost of Christmas future.
I day dream about the aftermath of my own death and it’s vivid, as if I’m looking back on something that has just happened.
I find death hard to contemplate as an agnostic person. I can’t quite get my head around no longer existing, no longer having thoughts and the world still going on without me but I know it will. I find myself like a moth to a flame, incredibly attracted to the idea of no longer existing anymore. No more mental torture or suffering but at the same time haunted by my own ghost.
I imagine the scene.
My wife comes home from work and puts the keys in the door but the house is empty.
My impression still on the couch but she feels so lonely.
Photos on the wall, but none of me but everything around her reminds her of me as she weeps and the sound is echoing and she makes her meal for one, 20 years and it’s all gone now.
No car on the drive way and the cats still look around for me, they know that something is not right.
She goes to bed alone and turns the fan on, because the chill reminds her of me and she talks to me as if I’m still there, blaming herself and I can’t break through to tell her it’s ok, tell her I loved her, tell her she was everything to me. The tears she cries for me, I already cried when I was here. They’re all on her pillow as she lies close to me.
But time doesn’t stop for her, she goes on. She takes comfort from someone else, as she begins to rebuild the pieces, her heart learns to love again and she starts to forget me. Another man in her life, another ring on her finger. She takes down the mementos that still linger and I can’t complain because I gave it away, no one was there to save me on that day, some lives are just meant to end tragically.
Making sense
Of the senseless
A defence for the defenceless
A pretence
For the pretentious
An offence
For the offenceless
A window in time
A candle is burning
The wind blows it out
The world is still turning
A fog of doubt
Was I too lazy
Was I just wrong
Or was I just crazy
Hope for the hopeless
Help for the helpless
A friend for the lonely
A prayer that is endless
I tried to do right
I tried to fight this
But it was too bright
I was too lifeless
I take it back
I start from the beginning
Go back in time
When was I winning
A penny for thought
A final retort
I do what I ought
Do not distort
The chill in the night
The tear on your cheek
The knock on the door
The feeling your weak
The dirt and the soil
The trouble and toil
The spring on the coil
As I lay down
Not going to get up
This is a set up
Can’t talk cos I’m fed up
And I’m scared
The fear and the passion
Love under ration
Hoping for traction
But no interaction
I slip away into the night
No more energy, no more fight
A mind that has faded
A soul that is jaded
A piece of me traded
For peace in me raided
An end that I aided
Imperfect perfection
That fear of rejection
There ain’t no protection
From my mind
And as I was goaded
My faith was eroded
Washed out to sea
Drowning inside
Rules made to be broken
Truths meant to be spoken
I’m just a token
And I’m spent
Can you forgive me
Will you forget me
Do you regret me
In your life
I loved you wife
Rant Over 