Today my wife and I had our forth relationship counselling session. The previous three were a bit different. In the first we discussed the background to the current situation, particularly focusing on the miscarriage and it felt like a powerful resease of emotion.
In the second it was more about my wife’s lying and the affair and I felt better for hearing her have to admit it.
The third session was more reactionary to me self harming and attempting to cut my arms plus other things going on in my mind.
In all the sessions the counsellor let us talk without too much promping or opinions but this changed a little for todays session.
It was more focused on how I’d contributed to our relationship issues.
On Wednesday I read a book called “How can I ever trust you again?” by Andrew Marshall and there were certain things that stood out and at first, made me feel like it all made sense but then quite uncomfortable.
It was a section listing the common traits of someone likely to cheat. They were:
- A long standing fear of conflict
- A high need for the approval of other people
- Compartmentalising
- Self absorption
- Fear of abandonment
- Long-standing low sexual or physical self esteem
- Disputes over autonomy and control
All of them matched either my wife’s traits or recent behaviour.
Even more disturbing was the common factors someone likely to be cheated on has.
- Perfectionism
- Being a mediator during childhood
- Fear of abandonment
- Low self-esteem
I could recognise myself in those traits too. It’s very uncomfortable to think that something about your own personality or past means that you’re vulnerable to being hurt in such a horrific way.
The book also simplifies the reason why affairs happen into the formula: Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = Affair.
I really don’t like the formula as it absolves the responsibility of the cheater. To me it’s a deliberate choice to cheat. There is no relationship that doesn’t have problems and communication issues are a two way street. It’s not an excuse. You have to have morals. There has to be that voice in the back of your head that says No, this will hurt people I care about. I made a vow, a sacred promise to love, honour and obey, foresaking all others, in sickness and in health. Everybody has doubts and everybody gets tempted but you don’t act on it because you’re a fucking adult, not a child incapable of understanding the bigger picture.
If your marriage is unhappy, talk about it. Try to resolve the issues and if you can’t after genuinely trying, then end the marriage so you can both move on but don’t be a fucking selfish coward and lie and cheat instead!
Our marriage was not unhappy. We weren’t fighting all the time. It was not sex starved or affection starved. It had drifted in the last few months but that was the result of the affair not the cause of it. It was after it started and I did communicate. I begged her to respond and give me some time away from her fucking phone and now we know why she wouldn’t.
The counsellor wound me up by insisting that both sides were half responsible for what happened. I disagree. Only one of us started sexting a stranger on the internet for validation. Only one of us lied about their marital status, took off their rings in public and arranged to meet a man in cheap hotels for sex. That wasn’t me.
Am I responsible for some of the issues in our marriage? Absolutely, and I’ve been writing them down and have discussed some of them with her. My attempted analysis of the whole situation is currently over 40 pages long and is likely to double. I am not shirking responsibility but I am not the reason she did this, she is.
Things are starting to get worse. Every relationship I’ve seen where there has been a betrayal and the betrayed has forgiven them has resulted in the betrayer initiating separation further down the line and when she talks about being worried about slipping back into old habits that worries me. I can control my side of the communication. I can’t control hers and I’m not even convinced she has changed or learned the lessons about honesty.
I don’t want to be hurt again. I love her but I feel so incredibly vulnerable in this relationship.
After counselling we set off for a weekend away. I thought it would be good for us to spend some time away in a different environment and have a nice time just like all the previous trips we’ve enjoyed together.
As soon as we started getting close though I started to feel a little anxious because it’s a hotel chain quite similar to where she spent most of her time with him.
They shared a shower together. They had sex together. They ate breakfast and exchanged presents together. They spent an awful lot of time being “intimate” (code word for everything shy of actual sex) together in places just like this.
By the time we arrived I was desperate for the toilet but just seeing the shower filled my head with all these horrible images and made my skin crawl. There was no way I could stay in there so I’ve come back to the car but I still feel dirty and uncomfortable. I’ve not been sleeping as it is. Just being in the same bed as her even at home has been too much this week. I don’t know why it’s gone backwards or how to get over this feeling of disgust and discomfort.
After the affair happened and she was putting in more effort and being more intimate, we were bonding again but because we’ve both been ill this week that closeness has gone again.
I hope time is a healer and these feelings become less intense. It’s all still very raw still and the lies after discovery have added months onto the healing time. I hate the uncertainty. I hate not knowing what I want and my feelings changing constantly. It’s exhausting!
Rant Over 