This morning was fairly typical of an issue that has reared its head a lot in the past in our marriage.
Last night I freaked out a bit because we’re staying in a hotel chain very similar to the one where my wife had been having an affair for six months.
It put images into my head that no man wants to see so I had to get out and stay in the car for a few hours, writing about it and trying to work out what to do.
The process of writing seems to be enough to calm me down so eventually I returned to the room and went to sleep in the same bed as my wife.
In the morning I woke up needing to release the built up testosterone but she is rarely interested in the morning, or should I say she’s not interested with me.
Male and female sexuality is different. Men get aroused much more easily just by being near your wife or girlfriend. A lot of women don’t feel desire until things get going. Of course it also varies a lot from person to person, some have higher sex drives than others and there are lots of women too with high sex drives that get frustrated with their male partners not being particularly interested.
When I’d get frustrated, it wouldn’t be because of a single incident. It’s not because I “felt entitled” to sex, in fact, it was rarely sex that I wanted. For me, it would be a build-up of collected frustration over time of not feeling as if I was desirable to her and needing that connection.
Sometimes it would just have been nice not to always have to be the one doing the initiating and it would have been nice at times to not be made to feel like it was a chore.
It sure as hell was different with her affair. She was having phone sex with him early in the morning as I slept in the room next door and from her diary of events she was all over him any chance she had to get her hands on him.
Some of that will have been the thrill from the risk of being caught and knowing what she was doing was wrong and risky. Some will be because it was a fantasy bubble without all the attachment to real life long term relationships.
There is a difference between new partner dopamine sex and long term relationship oxytocin sex.
It’s not that she’s never aroused by me, our sex life was active and fulfilling for both of us but it does leave me feeling pretty shit knowing the woman that tells you she’s just not that interested in morning intimacy is suddenly very interested in it when it’s with someone new. That’s quite a big slap in the face, especially for someone that’s a very selfless lover that makes sure she has a good time before I do. It’s not like I was useless in bed and she was left frustrated, much more likely the other way around with us.
Intimacy is important to me and it’s not just about sex. Obviously sex is nice but it’s more about feeling wanted, desired, needed and having that special connection with her.
I’m not saying she needed to jump on me every single time but just being there with me and acting interested would have been nice without falling asleep halfway through!
Other times she’s very good and it’s obvious she’s enjoying doing things to me and is excited by it. In fact, I would have classed our sex life as really good for the last 3 years, but the affair has destroyed my confidence and peace of mind!
I can’t compete with someone a lot slimmer and 6ft3 tall. I can’t compete with the fantasy of a new partner. This game is rigged against me and maybe the only way to fight is to fight fire is with fire.
Height is the number one thing women look for in terms of physical characteristics and the difference in terms of your chances of success with women for a man is brutal when you look at the data from digital dating.
There are two reasons women want taller men and it’s primal. Firstly it’s about scarcity. In the UK only 15% of men are over 6ft. It’s even lower in other countries. Secondly it’s about safety. Women want a man that can hurt other men. It makes them feel safer.
My wife really liked having her hands pinned above her head. It’s a position that makes her feel smaller and dominated. Feeling sexually dominated and controlled is a massive turn on for women. Being cornered into a position where she can’t escape gets her blood pumping. She would ask him to do this just as she’d ask me to do it.
She got turned on by being made to kneel at his feet further adding to that sense of being dominated and controlled by a man. Being submissive is a very comfortable role for many women no matter how un-PC it is to admit that about female sexuality. They like to be told what to do within that context.
If I start seeking out attention from other women, she won’t like it. She knows I’ve got a way with words and traits some women find attractive. Physically, in terms of appearance, I’ve got no chance right now, but I can work on that.
Nothing makes a woman feel more attracted to her partner than when other women start showing interest. This is why players are so irresistible to women.
Everybody has a light side and a dark side. She’s seen the brightest now. Maybe it’s time for some shade! I tell you what I won’t do, though. I won’t lie through my teeth to her face. As far as I’m concerned, as soon as she brought a third party into our life, she gave me a license to do the same. If she doesn’t like that, tough! I won’t be anybody’s second choice!
Rant Over 