One of the stages of recovering from an affair is apparently bodies resurfacing. These are deep seated relationship issues that couples have avoided discussing due to fear suddenly resurfacing.
That normally happens later on, but for us, I think the first body has started to emerge, and it’s the oldest issue in our relationship, so to understand it, we have to go right back to the start.
By the time we met, we already knew each other on a psychological level. She was my friend and an agony aunt from previous relationships, but it was all online, so our first date wasn’t getting to know each other, it was working out whether it could transcend from the online world to real life.
The repeat in sequence with her affair has not escaped me.
I never felt butterflies with Mandy. It was just comfortable, and by the end of the first date, I knew there were legs.
The second date was only three days later, and this was where the intimacy started. There was hand-holding, hugging, and passionate kissing and heavy petting. I was never afraid to show affection in public, and it was exciting, if not passionate, like my first relationship.
This continued into the third date where we were approached by a couple of kids that asked us if we were going to make a porno, much to our bemusement.
The first time she stayed overnight at my flat, we had outercourse, and I gave for oral sex for the first time. Something I always loved doing.
I was more experienced. I was her first, I had Charl before her, although it was just about everything short of full intercourse itself with Charl.
My sex life with Mandy was very much me initiating, and Mandy responding to my desire. I had more confidence with sexuality.
With Charl it was much more powder keg with both of us. One time we were watching a film, a day time kids film called cats and dogs in the cinema and she lay her coat over her skirt and let me penetrate her with my fingers and bring her to orgasm whilst biting my shoulder hard to stop her from making too much noise.
There was a point where I wondered whether the way I felt for Mandy was enough. It was the difference between a combination of lust and love, dopamine and excitement, and a deeper, more oxytocin based love. It would have been the worst mistake of my life had I not stuck it through with Mandy. She was my soul mate. I bring this up because I think she knew about this difference deep down, and her affair was an attempt to seek the same kind of passion for herself. It does hurt to know that I’m not the one that excites her or gets her going anymore, and it feels very unfair that I made loyal decisions whereas she made disloyal ones.
Anyway, that isn’t even the “body”. The key thing is that there has always been a sex drive difference between Mandy and I. Intimacy to me is a display of affection and love. It’s about having that connection with someone, feeling wanted and desirable. It’s never just been about sex and in fact, although I do enjoy sex more now, I’ve always preferred oral sex as it’s more about one person focusing all their attention on the other person. It’s purely about pleasure, not a natural reproductive impulse.
For me there was nothing I enjoyed more than making my wife orgasm with my tongue. Sometimes it would turn me on so much that I’d have to masturbate four times during the night as she slept next to me just thinking about that all out assault on all of my senses.
Sex was more of a chore. It was more about worrying whether I’d orgasm too quickly or if I wouldn’t orgasm at all. I could never make her orgasm through sex although she’d tell me she was enjoying it. Sometimes, it would just feel like she was doing it just to shut me up. To me, that felt like rejection. Just going through the motions, she may as well have been a flesh lite or a prostitute and I didn’t want that. It wasn’t uncommon for me to refuse sex if I didn’t feel she really wanted it. It was hard for me to take. I wanted intimacy because I wanted to make her feel good. I wanted that connection with her and for her to desire me because I always did desire her.
Sexual rejection hits the same receptors in the brain as physical pain. Being rejected hurts and there was a cumulation affect.
I knew she had a lower sex drive, and I understood that. In every single relationship, there are times when one partner wants it and the other doesn’t. I knew that. It’s not that I felt entitled to or demanded intimacy, but when you experience rejection on a regular basis, it builds up.
Imagine how it felt when your partner would half-heartedly touch you and fall asleep the the same time. She’d tease me, making my body prepare for sex then leave me with pain in my testicles. Blue balls is a real thing.
After a while, I’d snap and withdraw. She was denying me touch so I’d deny her affection. I wouldn’t let her touch me, and I’d get angry with her and with myself when suddenly she was interested in initiating sexual contact. Finally, I was getting something I craved, to be treated even a tiny percentage of the way I treated her, but I was angry. Why only do this now when I’m pissed off? It felt manipulative, and sometimes I’d brush her off, but other time, the desire to be touched was too much, and I’d let her, but I’d be angry at myself for allowing it.
It even happened on our honeymoon. I refused to speak to her and she was just crying, which only made me angrier. I wasn’t asking for much. I wasn’t asking for equal treatment, just showing me some sexual affection and desire would have been nice.
I don’t know precisely when it changed, but there was a point when she started getting more confident. All of a sudden, she found that she could make me orgasm consistently through oral sex, something that was very inconsistent in the past. I could tell she was enjoying it, and that probably made my body relax more and stop worrying about whether I was going to orgasm or not.
Now we were giving each other oral sex on a much more equal level in comparison to the past but I started having problems orgasming again but I reassured her that I still loved every second of it. In fact, even masturbation had become very difficult and would take a long time, which wasn’t like me at all. I eventually worked out it was anti-depressants numbing me. Stop taking them for just two days and it was back to normal.
Mandy got even better at felating me. Now she would carry on as I orgasmed and got used to having my orgasm in her mouth. It was something she never liked the idea of before but now she was enjoying it and I finally had the sex life I always wanted.
We tried things we’d never done before. One time she stripped nude downstairs in front of the cameras, knowing I was watching one time. We’d email each other with what we wanted to try. It was hot. She’d let me film her going down on me and vice versa. It turned me on when Jo moved in, making love to her, knowing he sister was only in the next room.
It’s hard to understand why she turned to another man when we were both having the sex of our lives over the last few years. It wasn’t stale or lacking.
The way she behaved with her bit on the side has really unpicked this old wound. He didn’t get the frigid Mandy that wasn’t interested in her partner that I got for most of our relationship. He got sexual messages and photos. He got video booty calls at all times of day. Anticipation, desire. He got her meeting him for surprise extra nights. He got her living out fantasies with him. It really makes me angry. I got the shitty end of the stick, and she saved the best for him. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.
I could have been selfish and went after my own needs. I could have used prostitutes to make up for what I wasn’t getting with her. I could have sought out female attention online. Despite my looks, I knew what to say and how to approach it to press all the right buttons with women. I knew how to use vulnerability to make women want to fix you and I knew how to get their pulses racing.
I could understand what my motivation could have been if I had an affair in those early years but I can’t really understand hers now.
It makes me wonder what I’m missing. Is my interpretation of evens completely different to hers? Will I ever know why or it it something she’s hoarding deep inside and will never tell me.
This should have been a body that had completely decomposed and evaporated but it’s not, it’s still with us.
This weekend the half-arsed touching when almost asleep came back. In fairness there are extenuating circumstances in that we’re both ill but it’s worrying. Everytime she sexually rejects me now I’m going to be comparing myself to him because she couldn’t get enough of his body. I don’t know where we go to from here. There’s a rotten stench I just can’t get out of my nostrils!
What she’s done has completely emasculated me and that makes me angry and I can feel the testosterone surging. A strong man doesn’t accept this kind of disrespect from a woman, so at some point I’m going to have to make a choice.
Ironically it’s that very same testosterone that will make her want me again, that might just make me walk away, and start again on my own terms. It’s not a decision I can rush or make in the heat of the moment but the game has changed now. Past loyalty means nothing!
Rant Over 