It has been interesting to observe the different physical responses between my wife and I since I completely exposed her adultery.
My initial reaction was fuelled by cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. I felt very anxious and overwhelmed as all the details came to light.
Then followed a big spike in testosterone fuelling anger and taking back control through risk taking. The two hormones are dovetailing each other. I’m in a state of hyper-vigilance.
Since Mandy found out I knew everything, at first there was relief as she no longer had to carry the burden of her dishonesty but since then the adrenaline has kicked in and she’s had a constant tension headache and raised heart rate.
The cause is a combination of guilt, fear and loss of control.
The guilt is not the same kind of guilt as I would have experienced. It’s not that she regrets her affair in a genuine way. She was still pinning for him and the excitement the affair gave her even after discovery. I would not be surprised if she still fantasises about him and what could have been if only she was a little bit better at keeping her two lives separate. The guilt is more about the consequences for her of getting caught.
The fear comes directly from the lack of control. She isn’t calling the shots any more. By contacting the other man I blew away any chance of her keeping him as an orbiter to use when it suited her.
That’s what women do, they’re hypergamous and if they see an opportunity for an ‘upgrade” or some flattering attention, they will flirt and keep other men just far enough away so they don’t have to do anything for them but close enough so that these orbiters are always just a tearful phone call away from being brought in to replace their current partner. It’s a monkey branching strategy.
Destroying that prospect and sending a warning shot to show her that I understand the game she’s trying to play and won’t tolerate it actually restores her respect for me and makes her feel secure in one day. Women need boundaries and they will keep pushing if you don’t enforce them.
On the other hand she’s feeling very insecure. She can feel my anger and knows her sexual power as a woman won’t get her out of this situation. The game is up!
In the back of her head she’s wondering who I’m talking to and what I’m saying. For all she knows I could be lining up her replacement as I type.
Sex since the discovery has changed too. It used to be pair bonding sex. Comforting, loving, intimate and about a shared experience following a well trodden path.
I’ve lost that oxytocin response to her body. Oxytocin requires trust and that’s gone. Sex now is much more animalistic. It’s about reclaiming her for my pride, marking her. It’s more exciting. It’s dopamine fuelled, ironically, the same as the sex she craved from the third party. I don’t know what it feels like for her and actually I don’t care. She could be thinking about his cock and the hotels every time she’s sleeping with me for all I know!
When I found out she was lying about some of the details and was seeking contact with him, I invited her round for sex. She wouldn’t have consented had she known what I knew about her. It was the closest to rape I’d ever get. I didn’t feel any guilt whatsoever. As far as I was concerned it was no different to her having sex with him and then coming back home and kissing me.
I enjoyed the experience. It felt deviant and it must have felt significant for her too as she brought it up in counselling.
The same thing happened again the day I contacted the other guy. I was on the phone to him when she walked through the door and in my haste I didn’t even hang up. Part of me wanted him to hear it. Hear her tell me she loved me and hear me kiss her. I would have liked for him to hear me fuck her but I didn’t take my phone upstairs. If felt raw and powerful taking back control in that way. We had sex twice, which was deliberate. It was what she told me she had done with him.
Later that night after image after image that she had sent him were coming through it sent me into a hyper aroused state combined with anger, disgust, shock and horror. I deliberately sent the images to her sister as revenge. I knew that would fuck up what her sister thought of her and it felt good to expose her for what she really was.
The level of excitement and dopamine is starting to drop off now but the oxytocin isn’t there yet so sex is now more of an anti-depressant than anything else. My testosterone is still highly elevated and I need intimacy more. It’s not just a bonding or fun activity, it’s a need and necessity.
It’s very strange how much this has changed both of our personalities. Her going from someone that wouldn’t have a strong sexual appetite to seeking out sex with a stranger and getting as much as she could and for me going from a selfless, kind gentle man to someone with no qualms about expressing a deviant side.
Fuck knows what will happen next, it’s all new territory but I don’t think this assertivity is going away anytime soon and that’s a good thing. I’d love to know what she was really thinking! I think I can read her quite well but then I didn’t think she was capable of the prolific lies so who knows!
Rant Over 