This morning was painful again.
After going away to Swansea for a few days, yesterday we headed back and to be honest I couldn’t wait to get home.
Sunday night, despite having a dry mouth and sore tongue, I went down on Mandy. Couldn’t smell or taste but I still enjoyed the way her body felt and the sounds she makes as she’s about to orgasm. I was desperate to have sex with her after but I can’t do that in hotels as we need a specific position with cupboards in the right places.
I was thinking about it all night, though I restrained from touching myself, I wanted to save the contents of my testes for inside her.
By the time we got home on Monday we were both really tired and still fed up of this cough, dry mouth and sore throat. I even wondered if it was an STI as the symptoms are similar to oral chlamydia but I don’t know what the incubation period is. 06 January was the last sexual contact she had with him so you’d have thought it would have happened sooner if that was the issue.
Anyway, I digress, Mandy fell asleep on the sofa straight away so I fed the cats, brought the essentials in then we went to bed. I thought she might need a catch up, neither of us had slept well recently. I had a sleep to but woke up in the middle of the night with a really strong sexual fantasy about her going down on me, recording it herself and her talking about how much she enjoyed Tony’s much bigger penis. I teased myself and watched a video we previously made a couple of weeks ago of her giving me oral sex.
I knew she wouldn’t want to do this in real life whilst her mouth was still dry and that’s fair enough but I was hoping that if she woke up in the night or the morning maybe she’d let me bring her to orgasm with my mouth then have sex.
I did stroke her back and tummy and sides during the night. I love having physical contact with her.
When she woke up properly, went to the toilet and came back to bed, I was really hard and hoped she’d notice. I sleep naked and uncovered myself so if she did glance over, she’d see.
She had no interest. She kept picking her phone up. That’s another theme that makes me feel like shit. I know she’ll say I do the same but nowhere near to the same extent and I’m not talking to a woman all the time, she’s obsessed with her friend Steve. Actually addicted.
I tried reaching out and touching her hand. I stroked her thighs over her leggings and over her pubic mound in an affectionate rather than overtly sexual way. If she did any of those things to me I’d be in heaven but there was no reaction at all. It was like going back to our early years. I was just an inconvenience.
I know people are going to think why did you go straight to her genitals. Why not kiss her neck and her arms, engage in foreplay Women take more time to get interested. I do try those things. There’s nothing I enjoy more than passionate kissing and feeling her respond but when she’s turned away from you so I don’t always get that chance.
I slid my hand into her leggings and under her knickers and just stroked her pubic hair a little. I love that feeling. I did touch her labia majora too. It really excites me to feel the warmth of her slit. She kind of made it difficult for me so it was obvious she didn’t want me and I felt rejected.
I decided to touch myself a little instead, hoping the sight of that would encourage her to want to touch me but of course, I’m not Tony so it didn’t interest her at all.
Eventually, with a little persuasion, she did touch my body. You wouldn’t have thought that someone touching you could feel like rejection but I could tell she wasn’t really interested, it was just her thumb and one finger. I’m not exactly a handful with my tiny penis and it’s no wonder the thought of it doesn’t excite her.
She wasn’t really paying attention. It didn’t feel loving or caring or affectionate, just habitual and she didn’t even notice when I orgasmed and kept going. It didn’t take long as I had soo much pent up sexual energy.
Before her affair she could just put it down to a lack of sex drive but the horrible truth is she’s just not attracted to my body and what women could get excited about a big fat man with a tiny micro penis. It’s just not attractive. Before she could lie to herself and say that it didn’t matter and that she didn’t have anything to compare it to but now she’s had Tony’s cock in her hands, in her mouth and inside her vagina and she really enjoyed it. I don’t blame her. It must have felt amazing by comparison. No wonder she couldn’t get enough of it!
When I had the stalking app on her phone I caught her watching porn one time. I made a joke of it. Didn’t look like she had been searching, was a direct link so I don’t know who sent it to her or whether it was an old favourite or something. She made out she wasn’t watching much of it but it was a 15 minute video and she watched over 13 minutes. It had lots of deepthroating and I wonder if that’s the thing that really turns her on. Obviously, she can’t do that with me.
I bet she fantasises about it and the things he did to her whilst they were together. I actually don’t mind now. I’ve come to accept that I’m not enough to satisfy a woman sexually. It is what it is. I can’t do anything about it and there’s no point her lying to me and pretending otherwise.
Maybe I need to allow her to have a lover on the side. As long as it’s not behind my back and I get to watch someone else giving her the sensations I can’t, it could be a turn on for both of us as long as she prioritises sex with me and making an effort to meet my needs too because having a micro penis doesn’t mean I don’t want sex like a normal man, in fact, the intimacy is more important for reassurance.
Maybe I could get something out of this too! She is the only woman I’ve ever had full sex with and just like she was curious about how it would feel with a real man, I’m excited too by the idea of sexual variety with different women. I love the female body and it would be nice to sleep with other women even if I have to pay for it so I can experience what sex feels like with somebody else.
This is why she had those two separate lives. I could give her love and romance and everything else she needed except that excitement, passion and physical arousal. She didn’t really want to give that up having only just found that part of herself!
Realistically there are 3 options for our marriage. We keep to a monogamous relationship, but there can’t be any more affairs. It would kill me.
Switch to a tightly controlled arrangement with an additional partner for Mandy of our joint choosing but it must just be sex, not emotional. I’d have freedom to use prostitutes too.
Alternatively, divorce! I’d rather avoid this if I could but we will see!
Rant Over 