I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it

Back in January 2022, in a state of desperation I started a VLCD to attempt to lose some weight. In fact, that was the starting point for this blog. By the end of February I had lost 2 stone 4 pounds but couldn’t really keep it going, I burnt out. It’s very difficult to lose weight when you’re dealing with severe depression at the same time but the two are deeply tied together so I didn’t really have a choice. The upside of that is if you can start to deal with one, the confidence you gain can help you with the other.

Since late July I have been on a weight management programme called More Life that is the pathway for bariatric surgery and I’m am about to be referred to Salford Royal for surgery having met the criteria of losing 5% of my body weight, attending bariatric surgery information sessions and attending 80% of the More Life sessions.

I’ve managed to do that despite suffering from PTSD with two separate traumatic life events, suffering from severe anxiety and at times crippling depression. If I can do that with both arms tied behind my back, just think what my real potential is.

Unfortunately the wait for bariatric surgery at the minute seems to be around 5 years from referral and that wait is not coming down, it’s trending up. Once again, the NHS is absolutely useless. I’m not talking about the people that work at the coal face for the NHS, those staff are doing their best under difficult circumstances but the system itself is a shambles. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to do it on my own despite the system.

So, here we go again. I’m currently 31 stone 11 lbs. I started at 35 stone 5 lbs so I’m already 3 stone 8 lbs down but I consider this the start and this time I’m angry and I’m determined and I believe in myself. I know I can do it because I have done it.

Yesterday I signed up for a local gym and I’ve already done two hour long sessions on a treadmill. The pace is pathetic, only just achieving 3 miles distance in that time but it’s a start and Rome wasn’t built in a day. Give me 12 months and I’ll be doing 6 miles (10k) in 70 minutes but each session is another step towards the goal. There will be ups and downs along the way, and I don’t just mean the incline setting but I can do this, I will do this, I am doing this!

Right now the treadmill is the only cardio equipment that’s easy for me to use but over time I will jump on the cross trainer too. I must look like a right tool on the treadmill as I close my eyes, put on some motivational emo music like Linkin Park, MCR or Eminem and rap sync. My stamina isn’t great so I think of it as four 15 minute sessions with 30 second breaks in between. I’d prefer a longer pause but that’s all these particular treadmills allow so I extend it by going slow for a minute or so after the 30 seconds pause. I think in terms of how many songs are left before my next break, and in the last 15 minutes, I switch to looking at that distance and set a target.

I find walking/jogging on a treadmill much harder than just going for walks. I can cover similar distance on the streets without it feeling like I’m doing a workout. I need to mix it up and do a bit of both. Walking lets me think. I go on autopilot and my mind just writes. The treadmill requires more focus to maintain a consistent pace.

I don’t like using a treadmill next to someone else, I would prefer to be as far away from other people as possible, not that anyone else is judging you but you still feel like they are. I don’t like being near mirrors either.

I will incorporate some weights at some point as muscle uses up more calories at rest, may even get a personal trainer for help with that once I’ve shifted a significant chunk of weight. I am doing a VLCD again but this time I’m going to try 3 weeks on, 1 week off and see how that goes. I will allow myself food for special occasions etc but I need to stay focused and not allow blips to go on for weeks or get too disgruntled when I do slip up, because I will. It’s a marathon not a sprint. It’s not even a marathon. A marathon has a finish line. This isn’t about reaching a target then you’ve made it, it’s about creating new habits for life. There will be targets and milestones along the way, you do need to know what you’re working towards but there is no end game.