It has been 65 days since I found out my wife has been unfaithful and 65 days since she last engaged with him sexually.
To say it has been traumatic is an understatement. I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions, few of them positive. I’m finally at the point now where the most intense pain has subsided, it still hurts, and it will always hurt. I will never forget what she did but we are getting on better now and there is hope for the future.
I’ve been reading a lot, I’ve been thinking a lot, I’ve been writing a lot and for the first time in my whole life I’m prioritising my own needs. To her credit, she has done everything I have asked of her and she is working hard to try to repair the damage and it is working.
I still have blips. I still have nightmares. A few days ago I dreamt I was with my Aunty in hospital and it was like a replay of a few days before she died but she was sat up talking to me and I was telling her what Mandy had done. I don’t remember anything else from the dream.
I always thought that Mandy and I would be like Mary and Brian. My aunty and uncle were childhood sweethearts and had been together ever since.
They suffered so much hardship in their life together, child loss and grief, a house fire, ill health, children with additional needs but I never remember either of them complaining. Life was never easy for them but they always stuck together and were always faithful to each other. That’s what I wanted, a soul mate for life, a companion through the rough and the smooth.
For many years I had that and it’s been really hard to come to terms with the fact that those hopes are gone now.
I still don’t really understand it. It’s still very hard to take. The process is one of grief. No matter what we do from now on, I’ve lost something that meant something deep to me. I don’t want to let go of it but it’s already been taken away.
I just don’t understand how she could do what she did knowing my aunty was dying. It scares me to think it will happen again. She may say all the right things now but what happens when things get hard and she wants a bit of escapism again? By not walking away I’m putting my heart in a vice and asking her not to turn that screw but ultimately there is nothing I can do to stop her.
I know she loves me and I know she regrets what she did but that doesn’t change the fact that she did it. I have to focus on myself and my own happiness. In a few weeks I’m going on holiday for the first time since 2021 and it’s without my wife, me and a friend.
Last September, after Mary died, I was jaded and desperate to go away somewhere with my wife in her October half term hols but I couldn’t pluck up the courage to ask her. I knew what she’d say, “we can’t afford it”. Instead, she spent several days visiting him, being intimate with him and having sex with him.
I wonder whether if I asked her she would have chosen me over him? I doubt it! That’s not a nice feeling! I try to bury these thoughts to the back of my head and focus on other things but every now and again they float to the surface unexpectedly.
I’ve finally got a wife that’s listening to me and we’re working together as a team but it does upset me that she wasn’t listening to me in August when I reached out to her, desperately trying to connect. She didn’t realise what she had until she pushed me to the brink of walking out. I hope she’s learnt her lesson and that she never takes my love for granted again!
Rant Over 