Working on me?

I’ve been told I need to “work on me”, it’s one of those nebulous phrases counsellors use that seems very vague, a bit like a horoscope that can be bent to mean anything those on the receiving end wish to interpret it to mean. It goes along with the “you need to put yourself first for a change” message it’s always paired with. Feel good babble designed to make you see your problems as external rather than internal.

Having said that, there is some merit in it. For far too long now, I’ve been paralysed to make decisions that are good for me because of the ramifications for other people.

I’m stuck doing a job I hate because leaving it means a much lower salary and the removal of benefits for my significant other as well as myself. In the meantime, I’m just losing confidence and self-belief. I know I need to make a decision, but I don’t have a crystal ball, and I don’t enjoy change. It scares me right now.

I can’t let fear control my life. I’m lost right now. I don’t know whether I just need a new employer or a new career completely, and the only way to find out is to take a risk. I know I’m not happy being so isolated and working from home. I know I’m not going to get any support from home either now that the woman I love has decided she no longer wants to be my partner.

That’s another difficult situation. She expects me to just wait patiently in limbo whilst she decides what she wants. I’ve placed all the power in her hands, but now that stops.

Actually, I get a say, too. The relationship is not just about what she wants. It’s not been a good relationship since she cheated, and I am worth more than that. I have let her destroy my self-esteem and sense of value as a partner.

I need to remind myself that I have a lot of valuable qualities and that if she won’t value them, then someone else will. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m kind, I have a big heart. I’m great at research and planning, I’ve achieved so much in life despite having a really tough time. I have determination and a spark. At the minute all these qualities have been buried under an avalanche of depression, but when it thaws, and it will thaw, all these things will still be there and I will make a great partner for someone that deserves me. Someone loyal, kind, and loving. Someone who appreciates me.

Working on me means rebuilding my confidence and self-esteem, and that’s going to be hard when the blizzard is still falling. I need to lean on my mates, who can see the qualities in me even when I can’t see them myself. I’m going to have to fake it until I make it and accept that I need help to get through the trauma I’ve been through.

The first step is getting back on an even keel and just coping. I need to be able to handle living with someone very hostile towards me and not let her be able to dictate my moods.

I need to go out and find joy in things again. Continue the weight loss journey as that will give me a boost. Do the pub quiz, maybe find a support group with other people going through traumatic breakups.

Then, I need to make positive decisions about work. Maybe start with giving things one last go where I’m at with one eye on other vacancies.

I need to stop worrying about things I can’t control or things that haven’t happened yet. I need to stop caring about what people think about me. If they don’t like me, fuck them, they’re not worthy of capacity in my thoughts! I should only care what I think and what I want right now.

I need to surround myself with supportive voices, people that get me. People who see the good in me and ditch anyone else.

I will get through this. I didn’t think I’d get past over my ex Charlotte, but I did, and I made a better future, and I can do it again!

I can’t rush to the finish line, patience is not my strong point but I need to take things one day at a time, accept the rough with the smooth but know that the sun will shine again and there will be a beautiful rainbow waiting for me!