So, it’s been a while since I last updated this blog, 4 months in fact. A lot has changed. Circumstances haven’t changed, just like for everyone else, life is still hard and full of challenges and obstacles but now instead of over thinking and catastrophising all the time, I’ve completely changed my thought pattern back to how I used to be. A risk taker. An adventurer. Someone that made things happen. The street fighter was always in there but sometimes you need that punch to make you feel something, to bring you back to life.
I was on the ropes, I had little hope. My life had gone very quickly from being highly successful, everything going well, a good social circle through my work, earning more than I had ever earned before and being highly respected and trusted but still feeling like an imposter inside. I had the work-life balance, nice holidays, family, friends. Then covid happened and I lost my social network from work and I lost my confidence and self belief. I saw problems everywhere I looked. This sense of foreboding had completely taken it’s grip over me.
I’m not going to dwell on what happened but it’s fair to say I was treated very badly by the one person I should have been able to trust. I could have pressed the self destruct button. I could have been just another male suicide statistic but in a strange sense being abandoned at my time of greatest need was actually the best thing that could have happened because I’m at my strongest when I’m at my weakest. I’m stubborn. I don’t give in, especially when there has been an injustice.
I realised I couldn’t change the world. The only thing I could control was my reaction, so I did. I rebuilt my life, starting with my family and social life. I’ve always been the person that other people turn to when they have issues. The strong one. The dependable one. The problem solver. The man. I realised I couldn’t fix this on my own, it was just too big. I needed help.
I leaned on my friends. Three or four people that stuck by my side and were there for me no matter what. I wasn’t easy to deal with when my head was in a dark place, I needed people that believed in me. People that came to visit me when I was in crisis point despite having problems of their own to deal with. People that I had conversations with often late at night when my head was stuck in a loop. When the shit hits the fan, you find out who really cares and who doesn’t.
I thought I had nobody but it actually turned out I had a lot of support, and I’m very grateful for all those people. There were lads from Andy’s Man Club that arranged to come out and meet me at a moments notice and made sure I got through the darkest times. They didn’t give up on me so I couldn’t give up on me either, and so the rebuild started.
I was always much closer to my ex partner’s family than my own but my family were amazing. They all supported me. My mum, my dad, whom I’ve become a lot closer to as a result, my brother and his partner, my aunties and uncles. They’ve all made me feel like I’m not on my own.
I started to see things in a new light. There was no reason to fear anymore. Sure, I couldn’t do anything about the storm I was going through but I was still the captain of my fighter jet, I still had control of the yoke and I’d been through storms before and had a 100% success rate of getting through it and thriving, not just surviving. I refocused. I filled my days up with activities that made me feel better. Walks. Pub Quizzes. Andy’s Man Club. Spending time with friends and family. I put a plan in place to get back to work as I was off sick. I started dating again.
I learned a lot very quickly. At first I just seemed to attract scammers but I was still proud of myself for not letting that destroy the new confidence I was building. I met with three different women, two wanted a relationship with me. All that fear that nobody would ever want me was nonsense. It wasn’t easy and dating is still a bit of a nightmare but the tables have flipped and now it’s me deciding whether or not I want a relationship right now or not.
I don’t need another woman to make me happy. Happiness comes from within. It comes from keeping the promises I’ve made to myself, not other people. Maybe my current girlfriend will become something more, maybe she won’t, but I’m not dependent on anyone else for my self esteem. I’m just focusing on being the best version of me I can be.
The scarcity mindset has switched to an abundance mindset. If one door closes, it frees me up for other opportunities. I have to back myself and believe in myself because I’ve never let myself down, I get knocked down, but I come back up again, to quote chumbawumba.
I took control. My wife decided she didn’t want to be with me. I realised her negative perception of me was actually holding me back and so I actually felt relieved when I realised it was over. I took control of the situation. I filed for divorce. I gave her the option of either buying me out or buying her out. I was fair. I did not treat her badly but I was also firm. She chose to buy me out and within days of her making that decision, I found somewhere else to buy. I wasn’t scared about living on my own, in fact, I embraced it. Jon in full project mode is Jon at his very best. It put me in my element. I worked out all our finances, I got our house valued and I’ve managed to do the divorce without any nastiness or bitterness.
When it came to telling our closest family, again, I took control of the situation. I did it in a way befitting of the person I am. At times my wife has tried to provoke me with attention seeking moves and I’ve just risen above it all. The more stupid crap she did, the more it made me realise I’m better off without her. It didn’t go unnoticed by our friends and families though. They would tell me what they thought and I just kept it to myself. Why stoop to her level when I can just be the better person, maintain my dignity and focus purely on myself!
You only get one life and sometimes people will let you down. Sometimes it’s malicious, sometimes it’s not. I don’t think my wife is malicious, she just has her own issues and I forgive her because the alternative is bitterness and bitterness just destroys your own heart. My heart is too big to allow it to be poisoned so I choose to just move on and be happy. I’m excited about a new home and a fresh start.
It’s very easy for us to get caught up in everything that goes wrong in life but whilst we’re doing that we’re not focusing on the gifts we do have, the people in our lives that are there for us and that matter. One day those things will be taken away from us and so it’s really important to make the most out of every single day. Be grateful. Be humble. I’ve got so many good things going on in my life, mostly the company I keep. I’m very grateful for everyone that has played a role in my recovery.
I’m genuinely not depressed anymore. I’m not taking anti-depressants. I’m not reliant on therapists. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time and it’s not a fragile confidence because it’s coming from within and knowing that I alone can improve my life. Nobody can stop me being happy or successful, other than me. I should never have given away that power but life is a journey. Nobody gets it right all the time. We learn from our mistakes, not our triumphs. I’m nothing special, but there’s something special in all of us.
The old Jon is back.
The tanks are refuelled
The missiles are loaded
The guns are armed too
The mission, decoded
I’m back in the air
Where I belong
Doing barrel rolls and figure eights
Into the sun
I’m locking onto my target
I’ll out-manoeuvre my foes
This captain ain’t retiring
He’ll take the highs with the lows
The roar of my afterburners
As I break through the barrier
Vertical take off
Just like a harrier
Rant Over 