I’m sat in my house, suffering from a heavy dose of man flu, surrounded by soft fluffy cushions, and the modern comforts of technology but there’s nobody to share it with. All I can hear is the beeping of a microwave as it’s finished heating my soup for one and the echo’s of my own footsteps.
It’s moments like this when I feel it. Feel the isolation and loneliness of divorce. When you’re used to having someone there with you, someone that was a huge part of your life for more than two decades, no matter the hurt and anger of the separation, it’s still difficult to adapt to a new life. A life where you have lost most of your mutual friends and the family, that you invested into so much. It’s a massive shock to the system.
Everything that you held true as your core beliefs about what life looks like and the future is gone. You feel like a war torn country, ravaged by shells and bullets and left to pick up the pieces from the rubble strewn carnage left behind.
You’re a positive person. Someone that likes the challenge of being the underdog and trying to prove the doubters wrong. Why would you let her win? Why would you let her steal your joy? The ultimate revenge is to go on and live a happier life than the one you left behind but whilst you’re sat there, still surrounded by the ghosts of the past, it’s overwhelming and you don’t quite know where to begin.
The survival mode, actively dodging enemy fire is over but when every day felt like a battle it solidified your resolve but now, there is silence and it’s just that little bit harder. The shell shock has set in and you feel every day that passes without seeing another human being.
You try to make new friends, you try to find some solace. This is an opportunity, you tell yourself. A new start. A chance to do anything you want to do without someone there telling you that you can’t but the murmurs of that voice are still ringing in your ears.
You’re not a hermit, you get yourself out there and try to do some things for you, but sometimes being with people then having to come back home to that void afterwards just reminds you even more that you’re isolated and alone. At a time when we have never been so connected to the outside world , we’re simultaneously so disconnected from others.
You’re aware of the enormity of the mountain that stands in front of you. You’re no longer a young man with the spirit and cocksure self belief that you can navigate your way through this. You know that the world has changed and that this time you’re very much swimming against the tide in a sea of sewage. There’s still that voice somewhere deep inside urging you to keep going, to never give up, that it is adversity that will forge you into something stronger, diamonds come from pressure, after all.
But you still yearn for someone in your corner, someone that recognises your strength and your qualities but simultaneously you know that nobody is going to come and rescue you from the darkness. You have to be your own torch. The fireflies come when the fire is already lit. Life is brutal. Being kind, being generous, being loving, it’s not enough.
You ponder whether you will make it or whether you will be just one more skeleton lining the path to the summit, but you have to try. You have to keep on going and you have to hope that step by tiny step, one day you will be able to look back down and not see the misery and hardship of your ascent but the view, the view from the top. This time, perhaps it will humble you, as you know what goes up can and will also go down. The sunset awaits us all. So lets make it a beautiful new dawn, until the breath leaves our bodies for the last time.
One day I will find her. I will take her hand and we will climb mountains together. A woman whose soul resonates at the same frequency as my heartbeat. I haven’t met her yet, but I will. As I look up to the night sky, she is gazing at the same stars, wondering when it’s her turn to bask in the light. I am coming my dear and I will illuminate you with my radiance. This star isn’t burnt out yet. The best is yet to come. Be my moon and we will dance together across the galaxy.
Rant Over 