Could I have consented?

In August 2011, I got married to my soul mate. Before the big day, I was lucky enough to have two separate stag do’s.

The first one was with my workmates. I was not the only one of my colleagues getting married that year so my workplace decided to put on a joint stag do for the both of us, which was incredibly kind and generous of them.

The afternoon started with indoor go-karting, then we went on a pub crawl. The two grooms to be had a competition to see who could drink five shots the fastest and I managed to finish all five of mine before the other groom to be could finish his second. It was a great night and I got very, very drunk,

At the end of the night, the company CEO decided to take us to a strip bar. By that time there were only four of us left. As we went in and got given yet another drink, my boss took my phone off me as I was trying to check us in on facebook. I had been checking in and messaging my fiancée all night so she knew we were safe and having a good time and I just thought it was funny where we were.

I’d never been to a “gentleman’s club” before, wasn’t the sort of thing I’d normally do but I was so drunk by that stage, they could have walked me into a canal and I would have followed. I’m not going to lie, I was curious at the idea of it and went along with it. The CEO paid for a dance and I was dragged off to a booth where a very attractive young woman proceeded to take off the little clothing she was wearing and dance in front of me.

At the end of the dance, she asked me if I wanted more and I told her I didn’t have any money as a polite way to say “no, thank you”, she told me I could pay by card, which I declined too. I left the booth and went to the toilet where I proceeded to be sick into the bowl, before leaving and getting a taxi home.

I had no interest in doing anything untoward with a stripper but I want to pose a moral question for you. Under those circumstances, where I could hardly stand up, if I had fornicated with the lady would this have meant that she sexually assaulted me?

I don’t think that would have been the case. It would certainly have been something stupid for me to do, it could have cost me my marriage before it had even begun but this was a sober woman and I was heavily intoxicated and I think that if I had been a woman in the same condition and she had been a sober man, and had I have had intercourse with her (or him for this hypothetical), many people would say that this is rape.

Clearly, if I was actually unconscious and she forced herself on me, that would categorically be wrong and a crime but there the majority of cases are much blurrier than this. Normally both people are drunk, in fact, they may have got drunk because it loosens their inhibitions and makes it easier to do things they wouldn’t normally do.

Lots of people believe that a woman cannot consent to sex if she is intoxicated but some still think that not only can a man consent but he’s still responsible for knowing whether a woman is capable of consent or not. I’m not sure that this is fair.

You might tell me that the situation I described was different, I chose to go into the “gentleman’s club”, I accepted the dance and yes, I agree, the context of the situation is important. There’s some kind of point where a person is in such a state that they can no longer consent but it’s not obvious. There’s no way that the stripper could have known just how much alcohol I had in my system. I could still hold a conversation.

I think personal agency is important. If you’re as irresponsible as I was that night and allowed myself to get into a situation then I still have the responsibility to say no, whether that’s to the stripper or to the chicken strippers in the takeaway after. I think the most important thing is the intent of the other person. She wanted to exploit me for my money, she wanted to take advantage of my drunken state to sell me a service I didn’t really want or need but I still said no and she didn’t force my credit card into her card slot.

There’s a difference between a person slipping a date rape drug into someones drink or someone finding a barely conscious person on the street and taking them somewhere to have sex with them and two people that are both drunk having sex they probably should never have had and regretting it the next day. The challenge for our criminal justice system is separating out those cases.

To men and women I say look after each other on a night out. Always have a plan on how to get home including a backup. Don’t get so drunk that a stranger could easily take advantage of you, whether that be a mugging or a sexual assault. Be more street smart than I was.

If you are assaulted, mugged or raped it is not your fault. The blame lies solely with the person or persons that did that to you and it doesn’t matter how drunk you were at the time but if we want to reduce the number of victims, the only way to do that is make it harder for them because they’re mostly cowards and opportunists. Don’t make it easy for them.

Men, you need to stop thinking that you’re invincible and that nothing bad can happen to you. It happens all the time, including regret fuelled allegations. It’s not worth the risk.

As Warren Farrell said in his sublime book, the Myth of Male Power, men’s greatest weakness is their facade of strength.

As for the experience of a strip club, I cannot see the attraction in men being exploited for their money in exchange for sexual frustration. I’d much rather spend time with my real world wife for a much more loving and fulfilling experience but I guess we should just live and let live for the men and women that do enjoy this form of “entertainment”